Ramblings of a Sorta Single Mom

I’ve been a good mom all year. I’ve fed, cleaned and cuddled my
children on demand, visited the doctor’s office more than my doctor,
sold sixty-two cases of chocolate bars to raise money to plant a shade
tree on the school playground, feigned interest in the same book 274
times, and have held off my first drink till the kids are in bed seven
times this year. I was hoping you could spread my list out over
several Christmases, since I had to write this letter with my son’s
red crayon, on the back of a receipt in the laundry between cycles,
and who knows when I’ll find anymore free time in the next 18 years.

Here are my Christmas wishes:

I’d like a pair of legs that don’t ache (in any color, except purple,
which I already have) and arms that don’t hurt or flap in the breeze;
but are strong enough to pull my screaming child out of the candy
aisle in the grocery store.

I’d also like a waist, since I lost mine somewhere in the seventh
month of my last pregnancy.

If you’re hauling big ticket items this year I’d like fingerprint
resistant windows and a radio that only plays adult music; a
television that doesn’t broadcast any programs containing talking
animals; and a refrigerator with a secret compartment behind the
crisper where I can hide to talk on the phone.

On the practical side, I could use a talking doll that says, “Yes,
Mommy” to boost my parental confidence, along with two kids who don’t
fight and three pairs of jeans that will zip all the way up without
the use of power tools.

I could also use a recording of Tibetan monks chanting “Don’t eat in
the living room” and “Take your hands off your brother,” because my
voice seems to be just out of my children’s hearing range and can only
be heard by the dog.

If it’s too late to find any of these products, I’d settle for enough
time to brush my teeth and comb my hair in the same morning, or the
luxury of eating food warmer than room temperature.

If you don’t mind, I could also use a few Christmas miracles to
brighten the holiday season. Would it be too much trouble to declare
ketchup a vegetable? It will clear my conscience immensely. It
would be helpful if you could coerce my children to help around the
house without demanding payment as if they were the bosses of an
organized crime family.

Well, Santa, the buzzer on the dryer is ringing and my daughter saw my feet
under the laundry door. I think she wants her crayon back. Have a safe
trip and remember to leave your wet boots by the door and come in and
dry off so you don’t catch cold.
Help yourself to cookies on the table but don’t eat too many or leave
crumbs on the carpet.

Yours Always, Mom.

P.S. One more thing…you can cancel all my requests if you can keep
my children happy, healthy and always believing.