Ramblings of a Sorta Single Mom

I’ve got another question that has been popping up a lot lately.  I’m not sure if it’s because jayden is almost 4 or if people are just crazy.  Friday I had to go to an Exam One location to do a medical exam for a life insurance policy I’m working on.  While I’m there the tech is just making small talk.  I had already disclosed I had 1 child as part of the questionaire we fill out.  during the small talk she asks me if I’m currently trying for another baby.  I told her no, I’m a single parent.  With out missing a beat she says to me “That doesn’t mean anything”.  WHAT????  I know lots of people do the single parent thing to multiple children every day.  My 1st step mom raised me and my younger brother & sister for several years after she divorced my dad.  I have several friends who are single parents to multiple kids.  Could I do it??  Yes, I’d find a way to manage.  If it’s your life you always find a way to make it work.  Would I voluntarily put myself in that position?  ABSOLUTELY NOT!  Well at least right now.  Ya, I just heard a few people gasp.  Right nwo I know I’m in no position to have another child, especially on my own.  I never imagined that I would have an only child so there definitely is a longing there.  But I am also realistic and know that we are in no position financially or emotionally to do something like that.  So for now it’s a 100% no.  Now, thats not to say that in teh future that would be the case.  I’ve pretty much decided that if I’m not in a position to be married or close to it by the time I’m 30 then there will be no more kids unless I take matters into my own hands.  Jayden will be 7 by then and I seriously don’t want that much time between kids.  Thats like raising children from different era’s and I’d rather not.  not to mention I’d be so far past the diaper and bottle stage I’d have to relearn the whole thing again.  I think it’s just some what odd that the question has popped up several times jus tin the last week.  Do I have a neon sign on my forehead or something???

Jayden came home yesterday and since we stayed and hung out with Robyn and her family for awhile it was actually pretty late when we got home.  Around midnight or so.  Needless to say Jayden was passed out and didn’t really get to see her new room and hte house until this morning.  So this morning I managed to make it up before she did.  Got some things cleaned up and was getting readyt o make breakfast when I saw her wonder out of her room.  She just kind of stood there looking around sleepy eyed and somewhat confused.  She has handled the hcange well though.  i can tell she is loving the new set up with her toys.  I got rid of a ton of toys she no longer plays with and can actually get to the ones she does!  The only hang up was after a rather late nap.  She woke up just before dinner and was pretty whiny.  Something I haven’t had to listen to for 3 weeks.  And she tells me “I wanna go home!”.  Ya, we’re already home. 

Now all I have to figure out is how to get her to understand she can’t run and jump.  We’re on a 2nd floor condo and I’m sure the people below don’t wan tot listen to it.  Course I’m not sure how much they can hear but I imagine its something.  After all, I can feel every time they slam their front door!!  Anybody have a suggestion??

My baby girl comes home today!!  I need to shower and get around.  maybe run to the store for some essentials.  Goodness knows there’s is no milk in the house.  I don’t drink it and it would have been a waste to buy it the last 3 weeks.  So I’m off.  Doing the happy dance on my way though!!!

It’s night like tonight where I find myself wishing that I had that someone special to share my life with.  Granted, when jayden is here I’m not entirely alone.  When she’s up running around and constantly talking the room is never quiet.  I’m sure it will be even more noticeable now that the new place is so much smaller.  Before she could be in her room playing and I’d barely here any of it while I was downstairs.  Now, I can see into any room from any room, thats how small we are.  I look forward so much to having her home.  crazy as it may seem, I miss tha tnoise. I miss knowing she’s just in the other room.  Miss hearing the constant ‘Mommy whats that.  Mommy is that…”.  If anything it’s nice to have that to fill the void where other things are missing.  Those things I notice most when she is gone, like righ tnow, and sometimes at night after she has fallen asleep and the quiet once again descends on the house. 

I’ve heard people who are married or in relationships tell me I should feel lucky.  i don’t have to deal with another persons point of view and trying to be considerate of their wants/desires while also fulfilling my own.  No arguements, disagreements, etc.  Never feeling unappreciated or that I’m doing all the work for us.  Course I do all the work but who else is going to do it?? LOL  On the flip side there is so much more that I miss out on.  The trouble is I’ve had it before so I know what it’s like.  I try not to dwell to much because like now, it can be almost down right depressing.  But those things like just having someone to talk to in an intelligent adult conversation.  Something revolving around other than barbies and princess.  What about just sitting side by side on the sofa, barely touching if at all but fully aware of the othe rpersons presence.  In a way there is a sense of comfort and security in that that is noticably absent when your alone.  

Ok, I really try not to be a downer.  I think exhaustion from work and not having Jayden here are exaggerating things a bit.  It just would b enice if I could ever have that contentment, security, and comfort in my life too.  I watch everyone I know enjoying these things and I can’t help but want the same things.  yes, I know it’s not a perfect life.  it never is.  But i’d take it even with all the ups and downs. 

Yup, I finished the last book.  FINALLY  No idea how I pulled it off in between work but I did.  I’m happy with how it ended to.  Definitely a finish.  And I”m glad they did it the way they did.  Before I read the last couple pages I almost got upset thinking it would get left hanging…….thankgoodness it didn’t!!

I need a vacation!  Maybe I can take one soon as Heidi finishes their new house.  At least I’m told Robyn is already planning and I better be to!  LOL  I only have 2 official days left for this year and I don’t exactly want to use them just yet when we have 5 months left.  Anything can happen in those 5 months, especially with jayden starting school.  They won’t be as lenient when it comes to being sick and such.  BUT I’ve been putting in so many long days.  Averaging about 16hrs for work trying to get this new computer system in place.  Our office manager said I would be rewarded for all the hard work but he didn’t say how.  I wonder if I could push for some time off.  Not sure how well that will go since I’m still the go to person when something goes wrong or someone has a question.  Blah…I just really really need a vacation!!!

 On a positive note I get my girl on Saturday!!!!!!!!  I talked to her last night and we talkeda bout counting the days on her fingers which Robyn has been showing her.  I can’t wait.  I’m so ready to have her back and get into our routine here at the new house. 

I’ve made it to the 15th Chapter in the new Harry Potter book.  Goodness lots going on here!!  I really can’t wait to finish it but I’m having to fit my reading around work.  Hopefully soon though then we’ll be able to dish on all the details and how it all finally ends!

Probably one of the biggest topics that will come up for me is dating.  Seriously, it’s such a tough thing to deal wtih.  my schedule really makes it difficult.  I mean, i could meet someone and start toc hat with them.  Work, school, or Jayden goes nuts and I don’t get to talk to them for a week or so.  Then when i finally do I’m scramblign trying to remember everythign they told me about themself.  Ugh.  So there’s a guy now who it’s pretty obvious has an interest in me.  And he’s a nice guy.  Seems stable, previously married and has a 6yr old son who he stays in constant contact with.  I’m just not feeling that connection there though.  I mean, I’ve laughed with him, we’ve talked about various thing.  Last night we went up to the beach and just walked around.  In the conversation though i started noticing little things that were kinda bugging me.  Like he seems to always want to be right about what ever topic we’re discussing.  Anyone who knows me, knows I don’t do well with that.  It just irks me when a guy just blows off my opinion or thoughts as if they don’t matter or if they talk over me to drown me out.  On top of that if I was saying something he would butt in and either take over teh whole topic or change it completely.  Needless to say, I found myself extremely eager to go home.  Haha.  So I don’t think he’ll be one that I’ll be seeing on a regular basis.  Even as a friend I have a feeling he would probably get on my nerves.  Oh ya, he’s a redhead too so that probablyd oesn’t help.  we tend to be stubborn and bullheaded when it comes to think. 

So, the search still continues. Right nwo I can barely talk to my normal friends let a lone start something new.  Hopefully work will calm down a bit though and I can relax again.  I seirously need a vacation.

Only 4 more days to go until I get Jayden back.  yea!!!!  It’s been a long 3 weeks although I’m sure she’s had tons of fun with Caleb and Alec.  I’m even goign to try and slip out of work a couple hours early on Friday so i can get up to them before it gets terribly late.  I’m sure Robyn and Marcus are ready for the break from having 3 kids to look after, especially considering Caleb and Jayden together are probably a handful.   I’ll be counting the days though!

Apparently my little girl is going to be a pro at swimming by the time she comes home.  Check her out HERE !!